Last day alone/Spring break post 1

hey! guess what?? ive turned 16 like a week ago! which means ive been using this site for 2 years already! daaaang!
So,
The past two weeks were amaaazing, ive been going out a lot with new people and eating a lot of junk food which isn't really amazing -lol- and having movie nights every single day/ yeah that's pretty much it. /tidying my bed every morning is a pain in the asssss omg/
As I said, my birthday was a week ago, and my parents weren't in Lebanon. They came back for 3 days just to say happy birthday! im lucky to have such parents. they're lovely.
My friends "surprised" me too! hmm do you want to know why I wrote surprise between quotation marks?? :
It wasn't really a surprise for me haha. I knew every single thing my friends were planning.. I mean im not that stupid I know how my friends act I know them since forever! (I won't write a lot of details about this, but there's so much to say). I really love my friends and I really appreciate what they did for me, I had a great time.
since today is my last day alone, im planning on going out all day.
anyway. im travelling to Amsterdam/Paris next sunday and I cant wait! it's going to be one hell of a trip.

Feeling independent

So ive spent the last two weeks mostly alone, and I realized how hard life is when you're alone. you just sit there in your room with no one around - friends call me sometimes - but it's not the same as if someone is around. Before spending those two weeks alone, I was irresponsible, I admit. Now that im alone, im studying, cooking, cleaning without my mom asking me to do it /cooking is so hard omg, it's not as easy as it seems/. I'm actually surprised. I wake up automatically and tidy my bed - I wasn't used to - wash the dishes of last night, wear my clothes and go to school. It's like a new habit..
I still have two weeks alone, it's a good experience tho.. It made me realize stuff I didn't thought about before..



ANNNNND 22 more day till Amsterdam/Paris trip! Ugh I can't fxcking wait! I'm sure this will be one of the best trips ever. seriously.

xxxxxxxxx

Happy Girl

People don't believe me when i say i'm actually a very happy girl.
The sun is out today and everything is full of life and colour. I'm so grateful for another day I can't even put it into words right now. It's true what they say when you feel happy, you look lovely :)
After a day of thinking that I have no hope in my love life, 3 really cute guys smiled at me more than once and we had eye contact for a while and it made me giggle and blush. I'm really shy sometimes but it made me really happy :)
Also sometimes it takes a bit of effort to look decent enough to face the world and even though it was a little chilly, i wore a colourful top and got into hippie mode, i love it.


Despite all of that though, I've spent the past few days writing in my diary. I am 16 so soon!! oh my goodness, i say it every year but this time it's actually daunting. I'm done some more writing to ease my mind, a lot of it these days is a little dark and lonely but i promise it won't be any more. Do you guys want to see it because I wouldn't mind dedicating a whole post to one of my recent pieces. But it's up to you, let me know :)


Love you all so much, and thanks for the dms and your kind words xxxxxx

crush? friendship? hm.

So, him and I are friends now. Like real serious, public, joke around, talk forever and at 5am kind of friends! It's been so incredible- for me anyway. I don't know where this is leading, nowhere perhaps but this whole friendship thing is so much fun and has been amazing that I can't just walk away.
A couple of weeks ago, he sent me a good morning text, and when I say good morning I don't actually mean the words but starting a conversation at 9am, as soon as he got up. I mean that is a POSITIVE THING isn't it? He also sent me a couple of photos of him high fiving his cats lol. total hottie. Also the other day when I saw him at the gym, him on the treadmill, i went up to him and even though he was running and out of breath we had a conversation and he invited me out to lunch and for a movie( with a friend of his but whatever). We ended up going to an Italian restaurant cause his friend was Italian and it was so lovely. he picked me up and we went and his friend was half an hour late lol- better!
And today, my friend Tamara invited us to watch a football game: Manchester United vs Bayern Munich.
He was there with a group of funny friends. I can't believe this little crush is making me act like such a kid, but we really had fun tonight. I mean.. the laughs, the hugs.. those little things mean a lot.
it's so damn frustrating that I can't deal with it sometimes, but I'm letting him deeper and deeper into my heart, i'm the stupid one to be honest, it's all my fault.
he's lovely.

...just because i dont show it doesn't mean i dont feel it

You know that feeling? When you're just waiting.. Waiting to go home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation.. Nothing is wrong but nothing is right either. And you're tired.. you're tired of everything and tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one's going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you're tired of waiting Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for onceee, you just want it to be easy. To be simple, to be helped, to be saved. But you know you won't be. but you're still hoping, and you're still wishing, and you're still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You're fighting. Sometimes you try your hardest, but things don't go the way you want them to.
I really want to sneak out with somebody. I just want to get up in the middle of the night and spend some time alone with someone. We could go have a midnight snack at McDonald's or just walk around and talk about things we normally wouldn't or maybe we could go enjoy ourselves at a park and play of the swings, or we could climb a roof and just watch the stars in silence. Nothing but just good vibes and good company. I'm the girl who prefers sunflowers instead of roses, who would rather stay in on a Friday night than go to a wild party with random strangers, i wouldn't make you wait on my hand and foot, but would do anything to make someone happy, i would enjoy having a movie night rather than going to some fancy restaurant, i would rather stay up all night sharing secrets than going out and getting drunk. I'm the girl who wont make you hold her bags, but would rather hold your hand instead.
And you know what really sucks about falling for a guy you know you're not right for? You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different. But he ignores you and you like him. He does nothing YET you fall for him. You miss him even though you know he's never thought about you, and you're just sitting there waiting for a call from him or anything. Sometimes guys don't know everything a girl can do for them. A girl can find every single thing related to the guy she likes such as lyrics, quotes, and movies - everything ( ok i admit it. you're the guy all my love quotes are about. you're the one im thinking about right now. cause i really like you. i still like you, i swear, i always will. ). A girl could stay up late in the night just to wait for her crush to get online and talk for a while. Guys have no idea of how many fights we could have had with our parents or friends just to go out or talk to you. You, guys, don't know that girls, would walk a little faster or take different ways at school just to make it "accidentally" way to say 'hi'. Girls can talk about you with anyone and not get bored. Sometimes guys don't know how we could have passed thought tears and pain, just to be okay with them. I wonder how boys feel when they're in love. do they get butterflies? do they have you on their mind 24/7? do they wait for you to come online for hours? do they smile at random times at the thought of you? do they miss you all the time? do they think about the smallest things you say?

I remember once I was alone with him, I opened my mouth, almost said something.. ALMOST!!! The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had.. but I didn't. I think it's one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other, their secrets, their fears, their fav things what they like and what they hate.. literally everything and then they go bsck to being strangers. It's like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really you know everything about them. You know, I think one of the worst feelings is finding out that you didn't mean as much to someone as you thought you did, and you just feel stupid, and because you looked desperate, about caring too much. I really wanna kiss him and be cute with him and fall asleep in his arms and go on stupid dates but I also sort of want to light him on fire and throw myself into traffic so idk

Do you miss someone?..

There are three ways you can miss someone.

  One, when a person is far away, and you anxiously count down the days until you'll see them again, because you know it doesn't really matter how long you're separated for, you'll be able to catch right up.
  Two, when a person is gone for good, and the only thing you can rely on is the old photographs, texts and memories you once shared, and despite those being able to make you smile or laugh and all you really want is that person to come back.. Do you ever see a picture of someone that you used to be so close to and you just remember everything you did together and all the things you said you would do together, all the late night conversations or phone calls and remember all the good things and bad things both of you have been through together but then you remember that they're now just a memory and they're not in your life anymore.
  And finally the third, is when a person isn't gone at all.. When you see that person everyday, but they've changed, or the situation has changed or your relationship has changed. You miss that person for everything that once was, and even tough you might still be able to see them, it's not, and never will be, the same again. When someone walks out of your life, let them.. There's no use in wasting your time on people that leave you. What you make of yourself and your future is no longer tied to them. Yeah.. you may miss them now.. But remember that you weren't the one that gave up..

It actually sucks because while writing this, I just realized I really fxcking miss some people.

Have you ever?

Have you ever met someone that they surprised you?

like.. you meet this person, and at first you hardly pay any attention to them.. You may not be at all attracted to this person, but as you get to know the real them, you notice yourself falling.
This person who was once nothing to you has become e v e r y t h i n g.

ALL of a sudden. They're the most beautiful person you've ever met.

it's just funny looking back.. You never saw it coming.. it's just kind of.. happened ?

hmmm..